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An Exclusive Look At a Radical New Technology
I’d like to take a moment to share with you an exciting new technology. You won’t find this new toy mentioned anywhere but on Griffin and Hoxie. The back-story goes like this:
I know a couple Silicon Valley home schooled kids who spend their days stoned and/or cooking up ways to strike it rich with the least possible amount of work. A couple months ago one of them called me from Disneyland while on a heavy acid trip gobbling about seeing his ego reflected in Goofy’s eyes. I hung up on him and haven’t heard from either for a while. Not usual really.
However, they emailed the other day to inform me they’ve been busy creating a new toy that’ll shake the foundations of Hollywood. I gotta tell you, after being privy to the details, it’s an impressive piece of equipment and I’m not easily impressed. The kids gave me permission to lift the veil so without further ado please check out the following picture.
At first glance this picture appears to be nothing more than a simple public appearance photo. Here’s Tom doing what he does. Show up, be Tom, get paid, go home. That’s the typical story. However, the truth behind this particular photo is far more involved and wonderful that that. Tom Cruise isn’t attending a run-of-the-mill conference. He was testing out the kids exciting new technology.
They call it the Ego Accentuator™.
Here’s how it works. You insert a rubber plug into your asshole. Sounds uncomfortable but the kids said every Ego Accentuator comes with a small vial of Vaseline so it’s not that bad. I’ll take their word for it. A wire dangles from the plug, runs down your leg and attaches to a patent pending quantum magnifier box with a series of time dilation modules. The whole doohickey is plugged into an Apple computer via the USB port. The kids assured me Windows will never be supported.
The Apple computer runs the EgoFucked™ software, included in the package. The software compiles a reading of your brainwaves and filters it through a complex mathematical algorithm which in turn is “time dilated” and “quantum squeezed.” The resulting numeral is then converted into a ego-proportional photograph, and displayed on a screen behind you.
As you can see in the above photograph Tom is standing before his Ego Accentuated snapshot. The picture represents how you view yourself. In Tom’s case standing a few stories above the rest of us.
While the Ego Accentuator has no redeeming value and is a fairly useless piece of crap the kids say their pre-order numbers are through the roof, much like Tommy’s Ego Photo. When pressed the kids admit every pre-order they’ve received is either from a Hollywood studio or a California Management Agency.
They said they’ll concentrate their sales on Scientologists and movie stars. In another brilliant move the kids say they won’t publicly release the price of the Ego Accentuator™, preferring to use a barter system instead. For example, the kids said in return for an Ego Accentuator™ they’ve already gotten a date with Paris Hilton and whatever friend of the moment she’s hanging with, a lifetime supply of Guinness from Lindsay Lohan and a six month vacation in Amsterdam from Kevin Federline.
Smart kids. They said once it’s out of beta, sometime within the next decade, the Ego Accentuator™ should be able to project your physical body onto every living human being thus creating a world inhabited only by you. They assure me it’ll be the ultimate in self-delusion and masturbatory ego worship.
Further Reading
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