How John McCain Could Still Win the Election

There’s one week left until we all vote for the next President of the United States and as things now stand it’s looking like four years of Barack and his posse.

All the usual caveats apply here. One week is not a long time by any account, but shit happens - New York gets nuked by socialists, Drudge drudges up some vomit inducing photos of Obama and Oprah fucking in a bed of arugula, Jesus appears at a Palin rally and endorses her for President of the Christ-World, Bush orders what’s left of the National Guard to defend Ohio against suspicious looking, voter aged black people, the game changing possibilities are endless, but none are probable.

If Johnny Boy doesn’t do something other than what he’s currently doing he’ll soon be sulking in a back row of the Senate Chamber telling tales of the “Fucking Palin douche bag” to any who would listen - an inglorious end to a debatably proud career. So here’s my game changing unsolicited advice to the McCain campaign, provided with the assurance that I am in the tank for Obama, and offering these suggestions with the following assumptions.

1. John wants to win
2. He’s willing to do whatever it takes

My advice falls into two crisp points, one following on the heels of the other.

First, stop with the socialist crap

It will not work for two primary reasons. The first reason is most Americans do not know what to think when they hear the word “socialist”. You’re confusing them. You’d be better off calling Obama Mr. Mxyzptlk. Who the fuck is that right? Sounds communist to me. Americans get communists. Communists bad. Easy enough. But what the fuck does socialism mean? No high school educated American knows this answer.

The second reason your socialism gambit will not work is even if the exception can process the word “socialism” they’re probably thinking of Sweden, which brings you back to the first problem because Americans, even the exceptions, do not know what to think of Sweden. It’s got slutty blonde chicks? Everyone fucks a lot over there? They make good beer? It’s cold? Know one knows so however you cut it you’re confusing people, or you’re making them thirsty and horny, and if you’re making them thirsty and horny they’re gonna vote for the Democrat.

Second, be a nasty race baiter

After you’ve cut the socialist shit outta the stump speeches you start in on the subtle racism with a vengeance. Bill and Hilary went there, though not with nearly enough gusto to win them the nomination, but at least they had the balls to try. Your goal is to turn Obama into Huey Newton with a tailor suit. No one knows who Huey Newton these days. Avoid his name, but use a topical replacement like Don King, Al Sharpton, or 50 Cent. Whatever the methods you’re only hope of winning is to transform Barack from future President into scary black guy and let bigotry and racism work their voodoo.

This was always your only hope because you’re a Republican and the only way a Republican wins an election during these times is to, one, act like a conservative Democrat, or, two, appeal to the vile idiocy of the American citizen.

Americans can be a great people for sure. We can also suck rotten ball sack. Barack cornered the market on great. Your only hope is to appeal to the ball sack in us all.

October 28 2008 02:35:34 PM EDT